To put it simply, my dog is retarded. Tiki is not mentally challenged, not disabled- just plain retarded. I love her more than life, and I thank God that she is a dog and not a human, because her “quirks” would make for a very difficult life.
Apparently, there is a legitimate IQ test for dogs that you can conduct using their scientifically proven experiments. I know for a fact that Tiki would fail every single one of them, so I’m not going to embarrass her. She probably wouldn’t even know she was doing everything wrong. Hence, the retardation.
Tiki has a few aliases, including Teekers, Tiki Monster, Tiki Friend, Tard (short for retard), Nugget, and Little One. She may also think her name is “Stop it” or “If you don’t stop licking I swear to…” since those are also commonly said in her presence.
Let’s start with a few positives: She’s very sweet. Since she’s super tiny (and weighs less than my cat, who is also a potential murderer, but more on that later) she is the perfect cuddle buddy.
Now on to a lengthy list of er, less than positives:
1. Tiki has severe separation anxiety. When I’m home, she makes it her mission to be in my immediate proximity. If I’m on the couch or on my bed and Tiki wants to sit next to me, she doesn’t jump up like a normal dog. Instead, she engages in what has since been dubbed as “The Crazy Bark”. This is no normal bark, no no. This is a hellacious, demonic episode that makes it seem as though I am literally skinning her alive. This episode continues until I pick her up or threaten to put her in the sink. I have tried on multiple occasions to capture this on video, but alas, I have not. One day, Tiki. One day.
2. Because of the anxiety, I stupidly invested in a product called the Thunder Shirt. Basically, it is for dogs (and cats) who experience anxiety from storms, separation, strangers, etc, and uses a swaddling design to calm the anxiety. Crap doesn’t work. But Tiki still wears it (as seen in her feature picture) because it covers 75% of her body. This is necessary because she also has a licking problem. She constantly licks herself, me, the couch, me again, and on and on. She will lick herself so much that she bleeds (TMI?) so she has to wear the shirt to cover up the most licked spots.
3. Tiki is terrified of rain and the garbage man. If she’s in the house and it’s raining, she will pant and cry for hours on end. If she’s in the car and it’s raining, she is perfectly fine. When she can hear the rain louder and see the rain clearer, somehow that is a calming experience for her. Riddle me that. On to the garbage man. Once a week, when the garbage people drive through with their loud truck and their “beeeep, beeeep, beeeeps”, Tiki resorts to a combination of spasms and epileptic dance moves. She runs around the room crying and shaking, because in her mind, the garbage man is going to come inside and steal her. In case you weren’t aware, all waste management employees have an ulterior motive of stealing little dogs when they apply for a position.
4. Tiki does not understand the concept of playing fetch. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. She literally has no idea what she is supposed to do when a toy is involved.
Me: (Throws toy across the room) “Tiki, go get the toy!”
Tiki: (Stares at the toy)
(Ridiculous amount of brain processing time)
Tiki: (Runs to toy)
Tiki: (Attacks Toy)
Tiki: (Carries toy to another location with no intention of bringing said toy back to me)
5. Tiki cannot be put on a leash. She literally does not go on a leash. When we first got her as a puppy, we had a large backyard that she ran around in to do her business. When she came with me to college, I wanted her to be leash-trained since apartment complexes don’t offer the luxury of a personal backyard. There was an attempt with a regular leash. There was an attempt with a retractable leash. There was an attempt with a leash attached to a collar. There was an attempt with a leash attached to a body harness. All attempts = Fail. When attached to a leash in any form, her response is to spread all of her legs and refuse to move. Dragging her on it didn’t work. Leaving the leash on her for hours didn’t work. Tiki, you suck.
6. She eats so much poop. Her poop, the cat’s poop, random poop outside, etc. She will dash up the stairs (which were recently mastered) as soon as my cat has pooped in the litter box. Instead of spidey-sense she has poop-sense. It’s disgusting.
According to the laws of physics, Tiki is retarded. After 6 years, I have come to accept her fate as not the most intelligent dog on the planet. She has never experienced neglect, and has been treated like a freaking princess her entire life. Her haircuts cost more than mine, for Pete’s sake. I don’t understand the root of her problems, but I do know she makes my life more entertaining. And for that, Teekers, thank you.