My Dog is Retarded

retarded dog

To put it simply, my dog is retarded. Tiki is not mentally challenged, not disabled- just plain retarded. I love her more than life, and I thank God that she is a dog and not a human, because her “quirks” would make for a very difficult life.

Apparently, there is a legitimate IQ test for dogs that you can conduct using their scientifically proven experiments. I know for a fact that Tiki would fail every single one of them, so I’m not going to embarrass her. She probably wouldn’t even know she was doing everything wrong. Hence, the retardation.

Tiki has a few aliases, including Teekers, Tiki Monster, Tiki Friend, Tard (short for retard), Nugget, and Little One. She may also think her name is “Stop it” or “If you don’t stop licking I swear to…” since those are also commonly said in her presence.

Let’s start with a few positives: She’s very sweet. Since she’s super tiny (and weighs less than my cat, who is also a potential murderer, but more on that later) she is the perfect cuddle buddy.

Now on to a lengthy list of er, less than positives:

1. Tiki has severe separation anxiety. When I’m home, she makes it her mission to be in my immediate proximity. If I’m on the couch or on my bed and Tiki wants to sit next to me, she doesn’t jump up like a normal dog. Instead, she engages in what has since been dubbed as “The Crazy Bark”. This is no normal bark, no no. This is a hellacious, demonic episode that makes it seem as though I am literally skinning her alive. This episode continues until I pick her up or threaten to put her in the sink. I have tried on multiple occasions to capture this on video, but alas, I have not. One day, Tiki. One day.

2. Because of the anxiety, I stupidly invested in a product called the Thunder Shirt. Basically, it is for dogs (and cats) who experience anxiety from storms, separation, strangers, etc, and uses a swaddling design to calm the anxiety. Crap doesn’t work. But Tiki still wears it (as seen in her feature picture) because it covers 75% of her body. This is necessary because she also has a licking problem. She constantly licks herself, me, the couch, me again, and on and on. She will lick herself so much that she bleeds (TMI?) so she has to wear the shirt to cover up the most licked spots.

3. Tiki is terrified of rain and the garbage man. If she’s in the house and it’s raining, she will pant and cry for hours on end. If she’s in the car and it’s raining, she is perfectly fine. When she can hear the rain louder and see the rain clearer, somehow that is a calming experience for her. Riddle me that. On to the garbage man. Once a week, when the garbage people drive through with their loud truck and their “beeeep, beeeep, beeeeps”, Tiki resorts to a combination of spasms and epileptic dance moves. She runs around the room crying and shaking, because in her mind, the garbage man is going to come inside and steal her. In case you weren’t aware, all waste management employees have an ulterior motive of stealing little dogs when they apply for a position.

4. Tiki does not understand the concept of playing fetch. It’s not that she doesn’t want to. She literally has no idea what she is supposed to do when a toy is involved.

Me: (Throws toy across the room) “Tiki, go get the toy!”

Tiki: (Stares at the toy)

(Ridiculous amount of brain processing time)

Tiki: (Runs to toy)

Tiki: (Attacks Toy)

Tiki: (Carries toy to another location with no intention of bringing said toy back to me)

5. Tiki cannot be put on a leash. She literally does not go on a leash. When we first got her as a puppy, we had a large backyard that she ran around in to do her business. When she came with me to college, I wanted her to be leash-trained since apartment complexes don’t offer the luxury of a personal backyard. There was an attempt with a regular leash. There was an attempt with a retractable leash. There was an attempt with a leash attached to a collar. There was an attempt with a leash attached to a body harness. All attempts = Fail. When attached to a leash in any form, her response is to spread all of her legs and refuse to move. Dragging her on it didn’t work. Leaving the leash on her for hours didn’t work. Tiki, you suck.

6. She eats so much poop. Her poop, the cat’s poop, random poop outside, etc. She will dash up the stairs (which were recently mastered) as soon as my cat has pooped in the litter box. Instead of spidey-sense she has poop-sense. It’s disgusting.

According to the laws of physics, Tiki is retarded. After 6 years, I have come to accept her fate as not the most intelligent dog on the planet. She has never experienced neglect, and has been treated like a freaking princess her entire life. Her haircuts cost more than mine, for Pete’s sake. I don’t understand the root of her problems, but I do know she makes my life more entertaining. And for that, Teekers, thank you.

dog

16 Comments

Carol

about 4 years ago

You are hiliarious! And you made me fall in love with Tiki!

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Valerie

about 3 years ago

Omg! I have the exact same dog. She goes by Tia but I call her Tee-tee, teeters, tetter-tot, petitia (she too is very little aka petite- just add an "a" to the end of it). She is 4 years old and God help me, is a perfect match to your dog symptom for symptom. Mind you she seems to prefer to roll in other animals poop (with bird crap as the tackiest stickiest favorite) but she does like "kitty krunchies" as well. I said to my husband today that I believe Tia may be officially retarded. I do not say this to be funny, nor to poke fun at her expense. It is a fact - a simple, dog fact. We rescued Tia at age 1; with that said, who really knows what happened during the time she was out in the world for the first year. BUT, since she has been with us, she has had and continues to have very advantage known to the dog world (hell, the human world) with access to gourmet food & treats, toys, a work from home mom & dad that often works from home, top medical care, health alternative training (therapy!?!), behavioral training, emotional training, and more love & kisses than a single dog could bare on any given day - less you wear their fur off from over-stroking. After 3 years, she clearly is who she is going to be. I don't know what to do except take faith that I am not the only one going through this. Let me add that there are some days when I particularly pity myself. This almost always occurs on the mornings my husband has the absolute gall to take out the garbage and exits from any one of our homes entrances as Tia yelps & screams (what I can only describe as a warning bell bark-yelping combo that increases both in volume & intensity every 5 seconds), all the while running back and forth through the house as if the man is never - ever - ever - never coming back. And one more thing. Despite all the craziness, she truly is absolutely stunning to look at. I tell people that when I first got her, I felt like an average guy who landed a super model; only to discover that when I got my beautiful model home, she was secretly scary jealous, mentally obsessive, OCD, & bi-polar all rolled in one (please, no offense to anyone with a serious mental disorder).

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Danielle McRae

about 3 years ago

Hi, Valerie! Thank you for sharing your story! I feel like Tiki and Tia could be best friends, haha.

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Bree

about 3 years ago

Oh lord. Sounds a lot like my dog, Oreo. Oreo was badly abused as a puppy, and is sadly, deaf. I've been trying to figure out if she's mentally retarded for two years and still have found nothing. She has severe separation anxiety and will scream like a banshee and fight her way out of any room if she is left alone for even five minutes. It is very difficult to deal with and I've been looking for many things to try for her anxiety. I recently discovered the Adaptil collar which actually worked miracles!-- until she started digging at it and I had to remove it because she was ripping out hair. I love my dog more than anything, even if she is a huge pain in my ass. <3 Thank you for your story!

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Danielle

about 3 years ago

Hi Bree, thanks for sharing your story! Oreo sounds very similar to Tiki. I haven't heard of that collar before, but maybe we'll give it a try! Thanks again for reading!

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Nanny

about 3 years ago

Whatever, we all love Tiki. So cute when she gets all dolled up, perfumed, and a bow in her hair! We all feel like a crazy bark once in awhile, but we stifle it afraid to let go like the uninhibited Tiki.

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Terry

about 3 years ago

My dog is actually neurologically impaired. The cause is unknown. Trauma , disease, tumor, abuse. She is extremely special needs and has to be kept in her own area as her uncontrolled actions have injured my blind chihuahus. She uncontrollably circles, much of the time. Either trotting in a larger circle, or tightly at warp speed, using only her front legs. Her back feet in place. She has many other symptoms and cannot be house trained, because she simply cannot comprehend..put 2 and 2 together. She's a rescue..Anyway somebody suggested Rescue Remedy to me, I just ordered it today, on Amazon..It's completely natural. I don't know if it will help my dog, in any way..or yours. But might be worth trying..

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kimberly

about 3 years ago

I was having a bad day cause whenever i let him out to go potty in our yard, he would constantly bark,even when he peed. I got so mad i looked up "retarded dogs etc," and came across your story. I have not laughed like that in a good while, i laughed through the whole story. Thank you for making my day, oh yea tiki sounds funny as hell.

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Danielle

about 3 years ago

Haha, glad to hear someone can relate. Thanks for reading, kimberly!

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Aubrey

about 2 years ago

I almost died from lack of oxygen laughing. My dog is a retard, but a slightly different variety. Possibly related to Tiki?

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Amanda

about 2 years ago

I've suspected my mom's dog is retarded for a while now. Her name is Puppy. (My sister with Downs Syndrome named her.) Puppy... just ...is Puppy. She's a little shitsu mix of something. She doesn't form bonds with anyone other than her immediate family. She's nice to my sister, and I guess that's all that matters. My partner, children, and self fell on hard times and we have been living with my mom for about six months. We are always kind to Puppy, but she's terrified of us. The funny thing is, even though she is scared of me...she comes right up to me and stares. Most of the time she is hoping I will give her some food that isn't there, even though I never do. When I come home she excitedly runs to the door. I try and avoid stepping on her while enocouraging her to go see someone else, lol. She gets right in my walking path until she figures out she doesn't like me, then she runs away. If I stand next to HER though, she leaves a trail of piss leading under the table. She buries her toys under there. (of course she doesn't really...but she tries) She waits till she comes inside after being in the back yard (where she does absolutely nothing besides barking to come back inside)...then she goes potty. When it rains, she doesn't stay under the covered area made especially for her, she stands right at the door and gets soaking wet. She doesn't bark much, but when she does...it's at nothing. She hurt my daughter pretty bad about two years ago. We keep the kids away from her, as they are mutually terrified of each other- even though the dog forgets this and tries to follow the kids around. Your post is hilarious! I want to say Tiki and Puppy would make great friends, but I think in reality ...they would probably just do something weird. Ha ha. Good to know Puppy really is just retarded.

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Danielle

about 2 years ago

Hi Amanda! Haha, thank you for sharing your story! I definitely agree that while Tiki and Puppy would make great friends in theory, they would probably get even stranger with their forces combined. I appreciate you reading and wish you all the best with dealing with Puppy. It's a good thing we all love our animals, despite their quirks! :)

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Sairah

about 2 years ago

Loved this story really made me laugh. I have a little chihuahua who was a puppy mill rescue. I have had him since he was 2 months old he is now 5 years old. I think he is retarded too. He isn't potty trained we even have a dog door which he uses to go out and sunbath but then will come inside to do his business. We have tried crate training which he would cry and bark for hours nonstop we tried timing and feeding schedule, we tried dog diapers but they wouldn't stay on, nothing works so we just use old towels by the bed which is mainly where he likes to pee, I lnow he is just my "special" dog and love him tons and wouldn't trade him for anything but so wish we could potty train him.

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Jeffrey Alperin

about 1 year ago

My friends dog I call fifty first dates. I've been living in my friends house for nearly 5 months. The dog barely knows me better than she did 5 months ago. I just introduced her to califlower she loved it and barked at me for more. I got up and put some more in the bowl as she watched. I repeated many times. Food is in the bowl. Nothing. I brought the bowl over to her and she lunged for the food but it was out of her reach . I took the bowl back to it's spot explaining to her what I was doing. She doesn't make connections and I assume she has a very low i.q.

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Colm Clarke

about 1 year ago

I think my dog is also retarded. He is never one to play and growls wildly when you do try to have a bit of fun with him or if you try to pick him up he loses the plot. He also growls at random objects eg. rocks. He is very disobedient and cannot learn any commands but sits by himself sometimes (but in a very weird way). When out of walks he often yelps out of nothing as if someone stood on him. He has a poor memory. One time he sat on a fire, yes a fire, and then sat on it again about 3 months later. He very rarely toilets inside but often eats poop. He has very little sense of direction but does know where his food and bed is etc.

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