I’ve never been a “glass half full” kind of girl. I’m not even a “glass half empty” kind of girl. I’m more “why is the glass full of water instead of wine?” kind of girl.
I like to consider myself a realist, but that’s a word pessimists created to make themselves feel less cynical about life.
I used to embrace how indifferent I can be towards people and situations. I used to be proud of myself for putting up walls and shutting everyone out, because I am more concerned with protecting myself than going all in.
Sometimes, I purposely don’t let myself feel happy, because in some twisted way, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like if I’m happy for more than 2 seconds, some evil in the universe will rain on my parade and laugh in my face.
I am my own worst enemy.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t reserved with my feelings. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t think this person/friend/boyfriend is ultimately going to let me down. I don’t remember a time when I haven’t convinced myself that I’m not good enough.
I am my own worst enemy.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I used to think maybe I was depressed, but the way I’m feeling is a choice (as much as it doesn’t feel like one, I know deep down that it is).
I can choose to be happier. I can choose to love my fiancé wholeheartedly. I can choose to feel blessed by each day, and I can choose to accept myself for exactly who I am.
Today, I am no longer my own worst enemy. Today is the day when I stop shutting people out and start letting people in.
These are the 5 steps I’m going to take:
5. I will stop criticizing myself
I’m going to stop looking in the mirror, feeling disgusted by my appearance. I’m going to tell myself that I am beautiful and strong and smart and blessed.
I will stop criticizing where life has taken me. I thought I was going to be an Accountant, but instead, I fold sweaters. And for now, I need to embrace that.
I will stop telling myself that I’m not good enough.
4. I will stop sabotaging relationships
I will let people love me and I will love them back with no strings or conditions.
Protecting yourself from love is one of the cruelest things you can do to yourself. Not accepting love from someone because they may let you down or break up with you is like never applying for a job because you may get fired or never getting on an airplane because it may crash. Bad things happen, but they happen less frequently than the good. Let love in.
3. I will stop believing lies that I’ve created
The following is a confession of thoughts I’ve had very recently:
“If Scott isn’t cheating on me now, he will.”
“My family is really disappointed in me because I don’t have a high paying job.”
“I’m fat and ugly.”
“I am worthless.”
None of the above is true, but I’ve told myself these lies so many times, that it has become the truth in my own head.
I will start replacing these lies with truths:
“Scott loves me more than anyone on this planet.”
“My family is proud of me no matter what job I have. They love me unconditionally.”
“I am beautiful, inside and out.”
“I have so much to offer.”
2. I will stop being content with feeling sad/depressed
Sometimes, it’s easier for me to be in a bad mood than it is for me to be happy. Sometimes, feeling indifferent is peaceful. If I just don’t care, then I can’t get hurt.
Indifference is dangerous. It’s an evil emotion that despite being neutral in definition, is exceedingly negative to the spirit.
I will stop being indifferent about my life and relationships and instead, love myself and others like there’s no tomorrow.
1. I will stop worrying about what everyone else thinks
I will stop being paranoid that everyone thinks I’m weird or annoying or pathetic. I will stop changing who I am because someone might like me a little better.
I will confidently eat lunch alone in the mall, because no one is secretly laughing at me for doing so.
I will make decisions based on what is best for me, not to please others.
If I have to repeat these 5 steps like a mantra every day, I will. I know this isn’t going to be easy and I’ll probably mess up a lot, but changing how I do life is going to take some time. Changing how I operate in relationships is going to take work.
If you feel like the only person who’s holding you back is you, then I encourage you to follow these steps. Don’t let yourself get in the way of reaching your fullest potential. Don’t let yourself dictate what you can and can’t do.
Get out of your own head and embrace yourself and life.
Love yourself and love others.
Let yourself be loved.
“The opposite of love is indifference.” – The Lumineers